Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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