Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just cropdusted the office
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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