it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
