Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
