im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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