i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
