If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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