I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
