he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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