the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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