I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
