My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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