I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
