So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
