He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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