you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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