So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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