i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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