Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
