I love black thongs
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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