Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
