I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
