Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
