My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
