I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize