The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
