i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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