I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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