I faked an abortion last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
