you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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