Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
