god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
