I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
