I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
