I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
