I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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