I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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