I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
