That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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