I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
