Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
