I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
