i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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