Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
