Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
