Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you never un-have a 4some
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
