At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
