why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Randomize
