He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
