Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Text me some of your sweat
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
