Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
