I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."