well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
